01 September 2010
"Just when you thought you'll be delighted to hear the feedbacks from whom you expected to be of all out support to one of the grandest decision that you made in your life, but just discouragements and disappointments."
And so this is what I feel at the moment.
It's been bothering me for a week now. I thought that finishing off half of my life's existence will give me such freedom of making my own choice and decisions to spend the next half of it. I thought that all those choices (studies, career, leaving home, etc.)I have taken on my own before will square off the one that I was supposed to have to happen very soon. But I was wrong.
Being the sixth among 7 siblings you would think it's not easy to deal with 5 elders giving their own different opinions about you, what you should do and don't,and how you will run your life at near 30 years old. Yes, 30 years of existence and you will still have people to maneuver all throughout your way. I am not happy about it. Even if I think that what all they wish is for my own good, I still reach to a point to think that it isn't helping me out.
I was living independently ten years back. Making decisions on my own, picking choices that made me a better person, etc. And now, what on earth is happening that I have decided to announce one major decision and everybody was like against it? Where did I go wrong? Is this a sign that I am losing my confidence in decision-making? Or everyone else is just concerned when I fail out of it? But what is life anyway without taking risks?
I am still in a battle of between myself choices and following my family's. I don't wanna conclude that taking the latter's will put me in a situation nothing but to blame myself 'coz of their baseless egoistic reasons. That I will regret for the entire of my life because I did not choose mine.
Shall I be selfish at this time not to listen to anyone else and just follow what I desire? Will I be deemed to be a hard-headed one if I will do so? And if I please them, and what if the decision I made after was wrong? What are the consequences?
It's becoming tougher.
With all hopes and prayers, I know whatever may come up later has it's own reasons to have it happen. I don't wanna ask why. For God knows what do I have in store.