Did I Stumble On Unworthy Stuff....Again?

Oops, I did it again! This is all what I can tell myself after realizing how fool I am taking decisions on anything.  An impulse buy for a pair of shoes, accessories, electronic gadgets; a not well-thought decision over something not realizing the consequences it will bring in the end; etc, etc. are just my common mistakes that seemingly recur in number of times. 

I am sick of these mistakes and have sworn myself these things shouldn't be happening again.  That a mistake should always serve as lesson for me not to commit of another one. That it will just remind me the worst possible thing that might happen again if I err for the same thing.

I try hard to battle these forces but I never seem to succeed.  That there is always something that pushes me to fall on the same dungeon of the past.  Yes, it is completely lame and not easy to deal with. Sort of a self-inflicted bad vibes and yet I am still on the same picture!   

Until when I will be over on the same "picture"?  I don't know but this should not take longer.  I just deal with every moment to help me mold the real persona of whom I want to be. Tougher and wiser.  Stronger to deal with every aspect of uncertainty and most of all, the real grown-up lady who is confident to make such smart, wise and huge decisions of this so-called thing, life.

But at this stage, I still have with my all efforts, right attitude and complete care on anything I do and want with hopes for something to outgrow.  I am having fun yet I am feeling some disappointments. It's complicated that will give me options to choose.  Take the experience to a better me or otherwise. I always give in another try, hence for the same mistake.  Not giving up right away until I knew it is unworthy and no way that is meant for me.

I hope for the best. This time, maybe something that is meant for me.

Monday cheers! - xxx

Hate this feeling

So freakin' weird that am still unstable since the past few days.  Aint really my good days.  My brain is likely to burst thinking a lot of things.  I need another break to self-reflect, perhaps? I want to be in a quiet place where there is nothing I can hear except the sound of silence. My head is breaking with all these nuisance and annoying news piling up on my head.  It's just not making me good.  Hate it!

Thoughts over the weekend

So I resumed work at the office on Thursday and contrary to what I thought I will just file my resumption form and head back to the city after, I spent the whole day working.  I am not complaining although I was a bit tired :) and I don't know if it is a compliment for me that I had a long weekend but  tiring as well.  It was all mixed of fun being with the girls, excitement meeting up again with other friends and tiring for not having slept well.



Thursday work mode

 Anyway, let's shift the gear.  Did I just mention (who am i) that am sort of a free-spirited and laid-back person?  Generally I really can tell that I am.  Is that cool?  I don't really give a d*mn sh*t for anything not much of my concern.  Not that I'm not concerned at all but I am sick to have such tendency of self-inflicted sickness and tensions over a petty thing.  I just said that.  But what I found out last Thursday night was all of a "shock" to me.  Surprised, bullied, betrayed over not being told of something?  I really don't know.  And neither I blame anyone for this and just as what I heard, I never asked questions.  Was it my mistake for not, maybe yes.  But again, I AM NOT the type who interrogates anyone over a thing and that's pretty obvious that I am not a lawyer huh?  Is that a bad thing?  This is me and I think this can't be changed.  I let people share their stories if they are comfortable to but never I dig them much.  I am what I do and at some point, I really don't want to be asked a lot of personal questions by anyone too.  Let me loose the grip and bang!  You just have to wait for that.

I don't have the guts to feel bad for what I have found out.  Although I was really shocked and was in silence for awhile figuring out to fix my brain again at that moment.  I felt uncomfortable with my reactions witnessed by those who were there but I think that just proved that I'm a woman.  One with emotions.  This thing I cannot hide.  It's not that I am a freak or I go beyond being violent if I found something unexpected 'cos I can fight to have these forces not to dwell over my power ;) and this is one great thing that I can really be proud of ;) And I shouldn't forget to thank friends who were there for their comforting words reminding me of who I am and how things will change on me putting myself in this situation. Yes, they were right! 

I have always thought to live the way I want. No pressures, no tensions and no headaches.  These are what I want.  Things happened whether planned, intentional or not, they cannot be taken the same as what they were so better yet is to accept the fact  and wait up for another thing to happen what life in store for us. No more aggravations. No drama.

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I felt weird just while I was writing the above notes.  Now it's taking me few hours to finish this post 'cos I am bbming my friend whom I truly think will understand me what I have been through the weekend but looks like she didn't.  She is the only one I believe who can fully understand how I was at that time but things are turning on a different direction now.  Things like she was shocked, blah, blah seeing us (his guy) talking privately.  A real friend is being trusted.  No explanations to be made after I have already shared what was the "talking" all about.  Forget the "understanding" but it's all being broad-minded and not the opposite.

Anyway, I was like to melt for what I knew and can't think of anything that will let others think about whether the place was the right venue to talk to her guy or not.  I was the one who needed understanding why I reacted such, although I had a feeling it shouldn't have happened and I DON'T CARE anything except to think constructively about the situation, about being fair and unfair, about how I am having fun and smile it brings to my face.  I knew I didn't want to end just like that. Not giving up on something I already considered mine.

Let the journey continue and cross the bridge when I am there. xxx

Happy hump day everyone!

Incognito

I wanted to feel the genuine intention and so I can have the urge to nurture and embrace it wholeheartedly. But the feelings are so distant and even how hard I was trying to convince myself to have a new beginning with it, I still didn’t win. Am I not ready for a New Love yet or it is just being scared to double the pain I will have if it will again fail?

The story goes….

It started so nicely. Cool, sweet, firm and can make the crowd drooling from those hilarious stories were all the first impressions. Impressions that I wanted to believe it will last. But I was wrong ‘cos it didn’t. It changed speedily and the real personality behind the mask came out naturally. My findings and own prejudices are now my master that tells me to stay away and never ever look back.

But I already have my other leg trapped and I am scared with the consequences that will more arise and I will be doomed by my own, self-inflicted deeds should we hold no ceasefire. Will I still have my Alas and the power to fight for any deceptions despite him being incognito? This, I must always remember.

It’s hard but I have to be on the brighter side of this story. I want it but I can’t force myself if this isn’t meant for me.

Happy. Overjoyed. Ecstatic. Inspired = ?

Wow, my few weeks back had been incredibly exciting! If you happen to follow my earlier posts, there were some kinda mix of everything I was feeling lately. I might have been a bit weary but there is always a reason to cheer up! I can mention that this is the good thing about me. I never really put myself so down whatever challenges that may come along my way. I may cry over night about something that I was really hurt from but what’s life gonna be then if I will let my tears just run all throughout and will not see the bright side of tomorrow?

Problems and challenges in all days life seems never ending. They say, that’s how life make it exciting. Otherwise, will be boring :-( However, it absolutely depends on how one will react to certain issues. The emotional level that you pour into it depicts the situation yourself will become. When you failed with something for instance, isn’t it an instinct decision, without being planned that you have to rise again and move on? But this isn’t always the case. We see people being miserable after a very hurtful or maybe tragic event that happened in their lives. There are maybe number of reasons why people become such. Weak to fight for the failure or maybe has never tried to see the bright future that awaits ahead of them?

Well as I have said, it depends on how you want to see yourself after even how many times you’ve been hurt, betrayed, failed with anything but you never give up and continue to live life at its best instead.

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Happy. Overjoyed. Ecstatic. What else can I mention? Ohh, there’s one more, inlove? ;-)

Yes, I’m feeling it again. I’ve never thought this kind of feeling will get back to me a million folds. Although I was a bit hesitant to have it fully known by “him” because I wanna put things in the right place. To have no more fears of getting hurt, of risking my feelings but just treasure this wonderful feeling that I have right now. Live with it each and every second that moves coz we don’t know what we might be missing if we don’t admit what we truly feel and accept this wonderful gift that has been given to those who truly deserve.

I am inspired. Everyday as I imagine. Life became tremendously beautiful. You made me see this and that, I am thankful.

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Life is becoming more beautiful and so with my weekend celebration.
Playing bowling has become one of my fave activities during off days. It may not be as regular on a weekly basis but if I feel like lifting and throwing some kgs over the bowling alleys, I drag my roomies and friends to join me play. So, did this last weekend. As exciting I am to brag the result, I led the game, lol!

...and it didn’t just stop at the bowling center. It’s been a long time I didn’t play billiards. Baby, it’s been years and didn’t imagine I can still play a bit well. How does it sound, huh? People watching and thought that a lady couldn’t play like they do, lol! Well, that might be different for me.




Dare for a challenge;-) ? LOL!

Needs Rescue

I feel so tired today. Still have an hour before COB and I’m kinda feeling not to last sitting infront of my desk anymore. Seems like the seconds move too slow. The minute moves much slower. Why do I feel this way?

But despite of, I feel a bit accomplished. With the three kinds of not-a-joke reports finished off today, there couldn’t be much rewarding day than this.

I know when I am physically tired. How I wish I am just. But this is different. There are so much things that I wanna discuss, I wanna write with a dilemma if I really should thinking what’s going to be the impact to somebody who can read it. In as much as I wanna express my thoughts so loud, I don’t wanna cause pains, disappointments and create a selfish image behind all those generosity and kindness for ages that are used to be seen and known by people close to me. Should this really matter now that I am beyond in control of unpleasant events happening around me?

I always keep my faith positive to whatever I wished for. This guarantees me to feel much better. But why I feel so hopeless and vulnerable on this situation? How I wish I could just consider this a tiny-weeny thing so not so much to affect me.

I am starting to lose what I have planned, initially started and dreamed of something to be wholly owned. I hope I can still make it up and save it before the year ends.



Help, I need rescue by all means :-(

Battling Choices

"Just when you thought you'll be delighted to hear the feedbacks from whom you expected to be of all out support to one of the grandest decision that you made in your life, but just discouragements and disappointments."

And so this is what I feel at the moment.

It's been bothering me for a week now. I thought that finishing off half of my life's existence will give me such freedom of making my own choice and decisions to spend the next half of it. I thought that all those choices (studies, career, leaving home, etc.)I have taken on my own before will square off the one that I was supposed to have to happen very soon. But I was wrong.

Being the sixth among 7 siblings you would think it's not easy to deal with 5 elders giving their own different opinions about you, what you should do and don't,and how you will run your life at near 30 years old. Yes, 30 years of existence and you will still have people to maneuver all throughout your way. I am not happy about it. Even if I think that what all they wish is for my own good, I still reach to a point to think that it isn't helping me out.

I was living independently ten years back. Making decisions on my own, picking choices that made me a better person, etc. And now, what on earth is happening that I have decided to announce one major decision and everybody was like against it? Where did I go wrong? Is this a sign that I am losing my confidence in decision-making? Or everyone else is just concerned when I fail out of it? But what is life anyway without taking risks?

I am still in a battle of between myself choices and following my family's. I don't wanna conclude that taking the latter's will put me in a situation nothing but to blame myself 'coz of their baseless egoistic reasons. That I will regret for the entire of my life because I did not choose mine.

Shall I be selfish at this time not to listen to anyone else and just follow what I desire? Will I be deemed to be a hard-headed one if I will do so? And if I please them, and what if the decision I made after was wrong? What are the consequences?

It's becoming tougher.

With all hopes and prayers, I know whatever may come up later has it's own reasons to have it happen. I don't wanna ask why. For God knows what do I have in store.

My Confessions

The tears that I have shed and sleepless nights thinking and asking of so many why’s are gone. I am able to appreciate more the beauty of life and the goodness of people around me. To help me forget the sorrows and learn to treat the past as an inspiration in forming a new life.

I am a witness of a strong faith will never lead us go wrong.
I have met few people I thought they can replace the empty space in my heart.
And lessen the pain I still feel but I wasn’t right.
I tried to patch up the hole of hatred that I felt for a while, but I realized I wasn’t being fair to myself that I have might.

And to those who wanted to come closer to me, to comfort me when I was weak
They may had their own personal objective but I thank them coz they made just a meek
Not to be fooled with anything that they make,
But realizing my self-worth more to be with the right one and be happy again at its peak.

However, finding the right one is a challenge coz you thought you already got, to tell
But, I might hate myself to think what if I will again fail?
And the history of the past will repeat what it’s been
Will I decide to still take my time or take the risk of falling inlove again?

To a dear special friend, tell me where should I start
Coz I certainly know I have already fully recovered from pains of the past
And now that I know I have already gained back the confidence of hope
Am I right to feel something beyond what I had and confess with the pope?


***I am going to take where my FATE would lead me with FAITH***

Confusion with an Assumed Situation

I finally have it!

You read it right! I have finally got what I was hoping to be over for almost 3 long weeks. I have been struggling with fear of the complications might bring me out from an assumed situation.

I maybe so pathetic thinking the impact of this situation will just affect me in so many negatively ways.

First – Family issue. A huge family disappointment! Who would want to cause your family in any form of disappointment?

Second – I am in a foreign land where there is no room for mistakes. Mistake means sorry, not accepted!

Third – I am just about to start again a so-called “life” and I don’t want to begin this in a chaotic manner. I don’t believe of who you become in the future of mere fate only. Because of what you are today, what you are really working out for will reflect of what you will be in the future.

Fourth – I’ve been standing strong all through the years and I don’t wish that this issue (coz I am the one who is involve here) will break me down as a fighter. There is more to tell about here, and I don’t want to remember them again…afterall, most are bad memories.

Thinking of at least to lessen the mental burden I had for 2 weeks, took a prelim procedure of finding a not-so-sure result and turned to have been null. So I was quite happy but still not overjoyed because it might have not been 100% accurate unless a much stronger proof comes!

I was delighted with what just came today! With strong prayers and faith, I am again given a chance to put things in order. A chance that should be carefully be given a much importance and value in line with wise decision-making. Good chances are indeed granted to chosen ones only. And I am lucky to be one of them ;-)

Another episode of a so-called “life”.

Ces’t la vie!

Life's Ultimate Treasure

It wasn’t like this before. We used to have quality time together to share stories, laugh, petty jealousy with each other, exchange text messages, call each other to say “hi” and “how are you”. This time is way far different. The coldness starts in the air. Why? Maybe because we do not have much time for each other? Due to what? Works, pressure and stress? Yes I guess! But why do we let these make us the slaves of over thinking of getting power and money? We do not see the beautiful life has to offer and how should it be because of how we balance things around us.

“You have lost the diamond because you were busy picking up several not-so-precious stones” is mostly being regarded when everything is already lost in our lives because you’ve taken them for granted. We do not seem to realize that God has always His purpose to send somebody who comes to us, who we meet and maybe stay in our lives. Circumstances happen in between where we were given a chance to nurture whatever has been given to us. There was a reason why did I meet him / her and so absolutely, there is always a reason as well why God should let somebody go when the mission has been done. May it be successful or not.

I hope this message should somehow touch people of who knows nothing but putting worldly things first in their lives rather than a value of priceless family, friends, love ones who really care a lot but as usual, being neglected. The thought that they are always there for you, for us? What if something happens and everything’s late? No more chances to spend a quality time, share laughters, anything that cannot be equated with monetary value with your love ones because they are already gone. You did not have the chance to say I care about you, I love you and I really appreciate the small things you have done, and finally say Thank you. No more because we were blinded with our hunger and greediness with wisdom, wordly things, intellect. But we never think of emotions and spiritual life to be blend with whatever we do. We always forget to think of what we will make us happy. A simple life with friends, family and love ones around us. Power and material things are just temporary and couldn’t last forever, my friend.

Now, think and recollect.

(written sometime back)

My Revenge

You just don't have any idea the pain that you have left in me.

You asked me if what you did was forgiveable? Yes it is...but it may take some time. I am not sure when. For as long as I am able to remember all the insults and disrespects that you allowed to be felt by me, I can't promise that forgiveness can be too soon.

All I have in mind is revenge. A revenge through powerful prayers that in time I will be able to smile again, that my wounded heart will hopefully beat once again for the right one, that I will be able to see again the sunshine and play till the sun down. And that maybe the time I can say, you are already forgiven.

All I wish for now is to forget the pain but it's like endless. Yes I am trying to move on but still along with your face of a monster. Keeps following me when I don't need you anymore.

You are celebrating while I am in pain. This is your day and wait for mine. I will show you how it is to be in a dime, being tossed with the probability that you will go down.

Please go away and leave me alone! You're not helping coz you are killing me more. The pail of hatred was almost half done but you have fulled it again. Because the more you show up, is I hate you more!

(written for BAK)

Sentimiento.......

I wish I could just fall. Just fall away from everything and everyone. Get away from all I've ever known. I would rather know nothing than to know what I do now. Why do people lie so much? It's not right. Especially over something so serious. I need to get a grip on reality. I always knew somewhere in the back of my head that this would happen. I guess I'm not much of a realist. I always fantasize over what could happen. I dream about what could possibly be, no matter how far fetched it actually is. I'm still such a child. I need to grow. Let go of all my adolescent tendencies. I'm an adult. Why don't I act like this?

I need a new plan. A plan that will put my life in the right direction. I have no idea what I'm going to do after this. Where do I go from here? Do I keep going? Do I stop? Can I run away? Of course not. I'm lighting a candle for every wish I have. I just want everything to come true. I want to fulfill my life's purpose.